Well, somehow my notes from all week have disappeared. I am so not happy, but what are ya gonna do?
Friday, January 20, 2012
5 Years Ago Today......
I had a miscarriage. Which is a really strange thing to type "out loud", because we never talk about it.
But I think about it often.
Not in a sad, tragic way.
In a grateful way.
I didn't realize it was the anniversary. I don't really keep the date. But around 11:00 last night it occurred to me out of nowhere.
And when I think about it, I only briefly remember how painful it was. Because it was. Incredibly painful. And at the time I thought I would never get over it. I didn't want to ever get over it.
Now, what I think about is how miraculous it is that this one terrible thing that happened to our family turned out to be the pivotal moment that changed everything.
After we lost her (I've always thought of this baby as a her, but we never had a chance to find out, and I will not call her "it"), we finally had the courage to make some big changes.
Husband accepted a job offer that he had already turned down twice.
And he found a career.
Em was conceived (by happy accident) the week of our baby's due date. Though the timing was just plain bad (we had just sold our house and pretty much all our stuff to move out of state for Husband's new job), we were so grateful. And I could focus on life and not loss.
I ended up finding a new career too! I don't think homeschooling ever would have happened had Husband not taken this job.
I honestly feel like I was called to this.
Had the miscarriage not happened, I don't think our family would be this big. We didn't feel financially secure enough to have 3 kids back then. I know we would have stopped before 4.
I just can't imagine our lives without Em and Jo.
And the rest is history, as they say. That one moment in our family's life is what brought us to this moment today. It changed the trajectory of our lives.
We have been so blessed.
And I can see it now.
I couldn't really see the blessings before the miscarriage.
Not because they weren't there. But because I wouldn't look.
Losing our baby taught me to be grateful. To be less afraid, and more bold.
To appreciate what is happening right now; to live right now.
Because things can change in an instant.
And to trust God.
Because even if I don't understand why something is happening, I can be sure that He's going to work it for my good.
A few months after the miscarriage, I had a small birthstone ring made for her. She was due in September. Her birthstone is a sapphire.
I don't wear it often. It has a special keeping place. But the ring gave me a sort of means of acceptance. I will never forget her. She was not for nothing. That baby changed our family immensely, and for that I will always be grateful.
And I look forward to meeting her someday.
But I think about it often.
Not in a sad, tragic way.
In a grateful way.
I didn't realize it was the anniversary. I don't really keep the date. But around 11:00 last night it occurred to me out of nowhere.
And when I think about it, I only briefly remember how painful it was. Because it was. Incredibly painful. And at the time I thought I would never get over it. I didn't want to ever get over it.
Now, what I think about is how miraculous it is that this one terrible thing that happened to our family turned out to be the pivotal moment that changed everything.
After we lost her (I've always thought of this baby as a her, but we never had a chance to find out, and I will not call her "it"), we finally had the courage to make some big changes.
Husband accepted a job offer that he had already turned down twice.
And he found a career.
Em was conceived (by happy accident) the week of our baby's due date. Though the timing was just plain bad (we had just sold our house and pretty much all our stuff to move out of state for Husband's new job), we were so grateful. And I could focus on life and not loss.
I ended up finding a new career too! I don't think homeschooling ever would have happened had Husband not taken this job.
I honestly feel like I was called to this.
Had the miscarriage not happened, I don't think our family would be this big. We didn't feel financially secure enough to have 3 kids back then. I know we would have stopped before 4.
I just can't imagine our lives without Em and Jo.
And the rest is history, as they say. That one moment in our family's life is what brought us to this moment today. It changed the trajectory of our lives.
We have been so blessed.
And I can see it now.
I couldn't really see the blessings before the miscarriage.
Not because they weren't there. But because I wouldn't look.
Losing our baby taught me to be grateful. To be less afraid, and more bold.
To appreciate what is happening right now; to live right now.
Because things can change in an instant.
And to trust God.
Because even if I don't understand why something is happening, I can be sure that He's going to work it for my good.
A few months after the miscarriage, I had a small birthstone ring made for her. She was due in September. Her birthstone is a sapphire.
I don't wear it often. It has a special keeping place. But the ring gave me a sort of means of acceptance. I will never forget her. She was not for nothing. That baby changed our family immensely, and for that I will always be grateful.
And I look forward to meeting her someday.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I taped my mouth shut today.....
Really, I did.
Because when I get frustrated, everybody knows it. Everybody. I sigh. I "grrrr". I yell. I hear myself saying things that used to make me cry when I was a kid. I accuse. I blame. I argue. I fight.
I don't like myself.
And I have a really hard time convincing IW that he needs, no...has, to have self-control when he's mad. Hello pot, meet kettle.
This morning I could feel it rising. I WANTED to say mean things.
Why did you do that?
What is wrong with you?
Get in here RIGHT NOW!
No, not like that!
Just go to your room!
I know, for sure, that this is abig huge heart issue for me. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want my kids to remember me as that guy. Really, I'm full of love!
It wasn't too long before my feelings of frustrations subsided. They just went away. And nothing horrible was said. No hearts were broken. No one was made to feel afraid.
I didn't want to take the tape off. For real.
I might just start walking around (the house) with tape on my mouth. As a reminder. To guard my lips
(I do want to clarify that I go out of my way each day to say life-giving, loving and encouraging things to my kids. I feel like I do well in this area. But I also know, for sure, that it takes but one explosive outburst from me to undo all that love and confidence in my tiny people.)
Because when I get frustrated, everybody knows it. Everybody. I sigh. I "grrrr". I yell. I hear myself saying things that used to make me cry when I was a kid. I accuse. I blame. I argue. I fight.
I don't like myself.
And I have a really hard time convincing IW that he needs, no...has, to have self-control when he's mad. Hello pot, meet kettle.
This morning I could feel it rising. I WANTED to say mean things.
Why did you do that?
What is wrong with you?
Get in here RIGHT NOW!
No, not like that!
Just go to your room!
I know, for sure, that this is a
......For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
Matthew 12:34
Hmmmm, well, you got me there.
Just this morning I was sitting at my Bible, highlighter in hand, looking for those verses. The ones that tell us how to speak to one another; the ones that tell us how a wise man uses his words. And I was praying. Because I know that this is not something I can tackle on my own. Clearly.
*When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:19
*......but a man of understanding holds his tongue. Proverbs 11:12
oh, here's a good one:
*A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Proverbs 12:16
how about these:
*Reckless words pierce like a sword,........... Proverbs 12:18
*He who guards his lips guards his life, BUT HE WHO SPEAKS RASHLY WILL COME TO RUIN. (emphasis mine) Proverbs 13:3
I was already at a simmer before the morning chores were done.
Doors were slamming. The baby's still asleep guys!
Toothpaste is ALL OVER the bathroom counter. Seriously? You need to clean that up.
Doors were slamming. The baby's still asleep guys!
Toothpaste is ALL OVER the bathroom counter. Seriously? You need to clean that up.
The boys are fighting.
Em needs a bath.......oh yeah, there's no hot water. Need to get that pot on the stove.
Are these QL's pajamas? Still on the floor. From yesterday?
No, you cannot go downstairs to play. Your chores are not done yet. No, they're not.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
I knew, beyond any doubts, that it was only a matter of moments before I would be at a rolling boil.
Didn't I just pray about this?
Why, WHY can't I get a handle on this?????
Oh yeah.
Because I can't get a handle on this.
No amount of wishing, hoping or trying is going to get me to change this behavior.
My will power is nothing.
So I did what any normal, self-respecting mother would do. I went to the junk drawer, got a piece of Scotch tape, and stuck it over my mouth. The kids giggled. I did not. They asked me why I did that, so I peeled back a corner and told them the truth. That when I get frustrated I say things I shouldn't, and don't want to say, so I'm covering my mouth so I can't/won't say it.
"Okay." they say.
Let me just say that the tape did not take away the desire to say ugly things. To me, that only proves how badly I needed it there. Because it would have been said without it.
We went on about our business. I just grunted some "uh-huh"s and "mm-mm"s to them.
I learned some important things from this experience:
*Using body language requires a lot more team-work to get things accomplished. Instead of telling someone what to do or how to do it, you have to show them. I think this is better.
*I REALLY want to talk. Good, bad, or otherwise. So many words are not necessary. (Remember Proverbs 10:19?)
*All 3 of my kids gave me more hugs in the short amount of time I had that tape on my mouth than they gave me all day yesterday. I don't really know why. What I do know is that if they feel more love when I talk less, that's worth knowing.
I didn't want to take the tape off. For real.
I might just start walking around (the house) with tape on my mouth. As a reminder. To guard my lips
(I do want to clarify that I go out of my way each day to say life-giving, loving and encouraging things to my kids. I feel like I do well in this area. But I also know, for sure, that it takes but one explosive outburst from me to undo all that love and confidence in my tiny people.)
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Quote of the day
"I am NOT an apple!!! Don't eat my nickels!" : Em, as I was pretending to eat his cheeks. : )
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
My Educational Philosophy
The more I learn and do, the more my educational philosophy
develops. Over the last year or so I have come to understand the
importance of having such a philosophy. It's like a compass on stormy
days (weeks. months.). Knowing the whats and whys of how you got to
this place (living and learning with your kids every day) can help you
to see where you want to go, and if maybe you've gone a little off
course.
So far, my philosophy looks a little like this:
So far, my philosophy looks a little like this:
- God created us all as unique individuals with our own bents and interests. He has a plan for each of us, including my children. I don't know what that plan is. It's my job to help them realize this plan by following their interests and needs, and preparing them for their lives away from our home.
- Character development is the most important thing my kids can and should learn. If they are the smartest people on the block but have no love, compassion, generosity, integrity, etc. then I have failed miserably.
- Life skills are just as, and maybe more important than, most academic knowledge. If they can pass every test in college but can't wash their own laundry or cook themselves a healthy meal, I have failed miserably.
- Teaching someone HOW to learn is vital. Telling them WHAT to
learn is not. We don't stop learning when we turn 18, or when we
graduate from college. If they have the skills required to get to the
information, these kids can continue their own education for the rest of
their lives; they can teach themselves anything they want to learn.
Anything. (Isn't that powerful?!?!)
- Real learning happens when the learner is ready and interested, not when I say it's time to learn something. If my kid wants to learn to write in cursive in 1st grade, who am I to tell her she's not allowed to do that until 3rd grade????
- Learning is not necessarily linear. If my kid wants to learn
about fractions or multiplication before he has subtraction down pat,
now is the time to teach him about fractions or multiplication.
- I believe that in an effort to find my kids needs and interests, it is important to expose them to a variety of ideas and experiences, even if they are not necessarily something I would like to do. (Of course parental guidance and protection are always at play here.)
- I do not believe that giving grades and gold stars encourage real learning, but competition and ugliness. Giving gold stars freely is fun though!
- The 3 Rs are the foundation for all future learning for the rest of our lives and these are the subjects that must be addressed most seriously. All others, especially during these early years, can be touched on based on interest and need.
- Learning through literature is better than through textbooks. The key to this is *quality* literature, especially classics. I firmly believe that what we read, especially as young people, helps to mold and form us. While we have some "twaddle" books for our kids, I don't allow them to read plain old junk.
- Hands on/real-life activities are better than second hand experiences.
- Although I may love and want to do crafts and activities pertaining to what we are reading, forcing
my kids to do so if they don't want to will only kill their love of
learning. Sometimes it's okay to just read and enjoy a good book. And sometimes if I just do the activities on my own, they will want to come along beside me and join in.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Who are you????
For the last several weeks I've had this nagging question in the back of my mind. Who am I? (Maybe this is at the root of why I'm reading all these unschooling books.)
If I'm going to be any kind of a decent mother, homeschooling or not, don't I need to know who I am?
When I lived back home, who I was was already established.
Foster kid. Poster child for surviving a terrible childhood.
and then later,
Hippie girl. Different.
and then later,
Hippie girl. Different.
When we moved away from home, I really had to figure out who I was away from those labels.....those boxes.
Lover of God. Wife. Mother. Homeschooler.
I dove head first into homeschooling out of necessity and interest. But I think I got caught up in doing it right. I'm realizing just about now that my ideas about right were by someone else's standards. I don't want to name any specifics because really the ideas and methodology are not to blame. They just aren't the right fit for me.
I don't think this is uncommon for new homeschoolers. And maybe it's a good thing. Maybe trying on the wrong hat leads us one step closer to finding the right one. That's the crucial part.
Realizing that if something doesn't work for you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you (or the thing that's not working, per se). Maybe the answer is that you're not being true to yourself.
Trying to be someone else, or what someone else thinks you should be, is never going to get you to your happy place.
I don't think this is uncommon for new homeschoolers. And maybe it's a good thing. Maybe trying on the wrong hat leads us one step closer to finding the right one. That's the crucial part.
Realizing that if something doesn't work for you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you (or the thing that's not working, per se). Maybe the answer is that you're not being true to yourself.
Trying to be someone else, or what someone else thinks you should be, is never going to get you to your happy place.
And that's how I feel right now. Like I'm a square peg trying hard to cram myself into a round hole. Like I'm not being true to myself. It feels awfully unauthentic to try to teach and expose certain things to my kids that I've never delved into myself.....that have never been my passion. I do, absolutely, feel that it's okay to expose my tiny people to such things, if and when they want it. But to do so now, when they are but tiny people, feels awfully contrived and disingenuous.
In twenty years, I want to be able to look back and see that I was present: that I gave my kids myself. Myself. Not who I thought I should have been.
Right now I'm not sure how well I'm accomplishing this, or even if I know how to.
A Grumpy Day Daybook
Do you want to do a daybook????? Go here to join in!
Outside my window... the sky is pregnant with rain. Daffodils and irises are pushing up in my yard.
I am thinking... about acreage, and chickens, and homesteading type stuff.
I am thankful... for health. My health, Husband's health, my children's health. The health of a dear friend who had 2 strokes last week and, only by God's good grace, is going to be just fine. And for my dear great uncle, whose health has been his enemy for several years now, and who is going to go be with God, probably today. I'm trying to stay in the thankful place and out of the sad place.
In the kitchen... turkey! Around Thanksgiving, the turkeys were at such a great price that I bought two and put one in the freezer. He met his fate this weekend, so this week it's turkey casserole, turkey soup, turkey sandwiches oh my!
I am wearing... : ) Oh, I really don't want to answer this! I went and bought another pair of my favorite comfy pants, in a different color of course......
I am creating... I painted the girls' room this weekend....does that count? Ballet slippers pink. It's lovely! I also plan to begin finishing the quilt I starting making for QL in the fall of 2010. It was supposed to be for her birthday last year, but in the craziness of all that happened early last year, it never quite got finished. Now I'm shooting for her birthday this year!
I am going... to take a shower!!!!!
I am wondering... when I'm going to get that phone call. The one that says, "It's time. Pack your bag."
I am reading... the newest issue of Hobby Farms magazine, my 2 back issues of The New Pioneer magazine, and blogs (mostly homesteading blogs, and some homeschool blogs too, for good measure). I'm also reading Teach Your Own by John Holt, and One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I put the last one down for a few days, and am having a hard time getting back into it. If I read it continuously it has a flow, but if I take a break, I find the writing difficult and I spend most of my time decoding. I'm determined to finish it.
I am hoping... that good changes are on the horizon. Prayers are going to be answered. Dreams are going to come true.
I am looking forward to... seeing my family, even if under sad circumstances. Brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins, cousins! I love them all, and it's been a long time.
I am learning...that it takes very little vinegar to sour everything, and a whole lot of sugar to make it sweet again. (this is both metaphorical and literal)
Around the house... trying to get through the day. Anticipation has got me grumpy, and everyone suffers the consequences. I'm trying to cut the tiny people some slack. Maybe I need to cut myself some too.
I am pondering... relaxed homeschooling.....how to make it a good fit for my structure needing type A son, who is a whole lot like his mamma.
A favorite quote for today... "You get what you get and you don't have a fit." This comes from my awesome sister-in-law who worked in a kindergarten classroom.
One of my favorite things... green tea. I'm a little slow to the party, but I'm enjoying my new-found guilty pleasure. I can drink several cups a day, unlike coffee, and I've actually lost a few pounds since making the switch!
A few plans for the rest of the week: Waiting. If I'm still in town on Wednesday we're going to meet some new friends at the library for story time. This makes my heart happy.
A peek into my day...
Outside my window... the sky is pregnant with rain. Daffodils and irises are pushing up in my yard.
I am thinking... about acreage, and chickens, and homesteading type stuff.
I am thankful... for health. My health, Husband's health, my children's health. The health of a dear friend who had 2 strokes last week and, only by God's good grace, is going to be just fine. And for my dear great uncle, whose health has been his enemy for several years now, and who is going to go be with God, probably today. I'm trying to stay in the thankful place and out of the sad place.
In the kitchen... turkey! Around Thanksgiving, the turkeys were at such a great price that I bought two and put one in the freezer. He met his fate this weekend, so this week it's turkey casserole, turkey soup, turkey sandwiches oh my!
I am wearing... : ) Oh, I really don't want to answer this! I went and bought another pair of my favorite comfy pants, in a different color of course......
I am creating... I painted the girls' room this weekend....does that count? Ballet slippers pink. It's lovely! I also plan to begin finishing the quilt I starting making for QL in the fall of 2010. It was supposed to be for her birthday last year, but in the craziness of all that happened early last year, it never quite got finished. Now I'm shooting for her birthday this year!
I am going... to take a shower!!!!!
I am wondering... when I'm going to get that phone call. The one that says, "It's time. Pack your bag."
I am reading... the newest issue of Hobby Farms magazine, my 2 back issues of The New Pioneer magazine, and blogs (mostly homesteading blogs, and some homeschool blogs too, for good measure). I'm also reading Teach Your Own by John Holt, and One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I put the last one down for a few days, and am having a hard time getting back into it. If I read it continuously it has a flow, but if I take a break, I find the writing difficult and I spend most of my time decoding. I'm determined to finish it.
I am hoping... that good changes are on the horizon. Prayers are going to be answered. Dreams are going to come true.
I am looking forward to... seeing my family, even if under sad circumstances. Brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins, cousins! I love them all, and it's been a long time.
I am learning...that it takes very little vinegar to sour everything, and a whole lot of sugar to make it sweet again. (this is both metaphorical and literal)
Around the house... trying to get through the day. Anticipation has got me grumpy, and everyone suffers the consequences. I'm trying to cut the tiny people some slack. Maybe I need to cut myself some too.
I am pondering... relaxed homeschooling.....how to make it a good fit for my structure needing type A son, who is a whole lot like his mamma.
A favorite quote for today... "You get what you get and you don't have a fit." This comes from my awesome sister-in-law who worked in a kindergarten classroom.
One of my favorite things... green tea. I'm a little slow to the party, but I'm enjoying my new-found guilty pleasure. I can drink several cups a day, unlike coffee, and I've actually lost a few pounds since making the switch!
A few plans for the rest of the week: Waiting. If I'm still in town on Wednesday we're going to meet some new friends at the library for story time. This makes my heart happy.
A peek into my day...
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