I had a miscarriage. Which is a really strange thing to type "out loud", because we never talk about it.
But I think about it often.
Not in a sad, tragic way.
In a grateful way.
I didn't realize it was the anniversary. I don't really keep the date. But around 11:00 last night it occurred to me out of nowhere.
And when I think about it, I only briefly remember how painful it was. Because it was. Incredibly painful. And at the time I thought I would never get over it. I didn't want to ever get over it.
Now, what I think about is how miraculous it is that this one terrible thing that happened to our family turned out to be the pivotal moment that changed everything.
After we lost her (I've always thought of this baby as a her, but we never had a chance to find out, and I will not call her "it"), we finally had the courage to make some big changes.
Husband accepted a job offer that he had already turned down twice.
And he found a career.
Em was conceived (by happy accident) the week of our baby's due date. Though the timing was just plain bad (we had just sold our house and pretty much all our stuff to move out of state for Husband's new job), we were so grateful. And I could focus on life and not loss.
I ended up finding a new career too! I don't think homeschooling ever would have happened had Husband not taken this job.
I honestly feel like I was called to this.
Had the miscarriage not happened, I don't think our family would be this big. We didn't feel financially secure enough to have 3 kids back then. I know we would have stopped before 4.
I just can't imagine our lives without Em and Jo.
And the rest is history, as they say. That one moment in our family's life is what brought us to this moment today. It changed the trajectory of our lives.
We have been so blessed.
And I can see it now.
I couldn't really see the blessings before the miscarriage.
Not because they weren't there. But because I wouldn't look.
Losing our baby taught me to be grateful. To be less afraid, and more bold.
To appreciate what is happening right now; to live right now.
Because things can change in an instant.
And to trust God.
Because even if I don't understand why something is happening, I can be sure that He's going to work it for my good.
A few months after the miscarriage, I had a small birthstone ring made for her. She was due in September. Her birthstone is a sapphire.
I don't wear it often. It has a special keeping place. But the ring gave me a sort of means of acceptance. I will never forget her. She was not for nothing. That baby changed our family immensely, and for that I will always be grateful.
And I look forward to meeting her someday.
But I think about it often.
Not in a sad, tragic way.
In a grateful way.
I didn't realize it was the anniversary. I don't really keep the date. But around 11:00 last night it occurred to me out of nowhere.
And when I think about it, I only briefly remember how painful it was. Because it was. Incredibly painful. And at the time I thought I would never get over it. I didn't want to ever get over it.
Now, what I think about is how miraculous it is that this one terrible thing that happened to our family turned out to be the pivotal moment that changed everything.
After we lost her (I've always thought of this baby as a her, but we never had a chance to find out, and I will not call her "it"), we finally had the courage to make some big changes.
Husband accepted a job offer that he had already turned down twice.
And he found a career.
Em was conceived (by happy accident) the week of our baby's due date. Though the timing was just plain bad (we had just sold our house and pretty much all our stuff to move out of state for Husband's new job), we were so grateful. And I could focus on life and not loss.
I ended up finding a new career too! I don't think homeschooling ever would have happened had Husband not taken this job.
I honestly feel like I was called to this.
Had the miscarriage not happened, I don't think our family would be this big. We didn't feel financially secure enough to have 3 kids back then. I know we would have stopped before 4.
I just can't imagine our lives without Em and Jo.
And the rest is history, as they say. That one moment in our family's life is what brought us to this moment today. It changed the trajectory of our lives.
We have been so blessed.
And I can see it now.
I couldn't really see the blessings before the miscarriage.
Not because they weren't there. But because I wouldn't look.
Losing our baby taught me to be grateful. To be less afraid, and more bold.
To appreciate what is happening right now; to live right now.
Because things can change in an instant.
And to trust God.
Because even if I don't understand why something is happening, I can be sure that He's going to work it for my good.
A few months after the miscarriage, I had a small birthstone ring made for her. She was due in September. Her birthstone is a sapphire.
I don't wear it often. It has a special keeping place. But the ring gave me a sort of means of acceptance. I will never forget her. She was not for nothing. That baby changed our family immensely, and for that I will always be grateful.
And I look forward to meeting her someday.
Tasha - I too understand the pain of miscarriage. I lost two babies, both with May birthdays. I have a mother's necklace with little baby booties with their birthstones on it as well as the birthstones of my living children. I don't wear the necklace all of the time, but it's nice to have that little remembrance of them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your losses.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of your necklace! At the time, I had thought about having a mother's ring made with all of the babies' birthstones, but then decided it would be too painful. Of course, now that pain has subsided. Maybe someday I will put them all together.....